Lost
by The Abbot of Beregost
Summary: Jack's thoughts during Lost City, when he's moping around when Carter visits. Read, review, that I may improve my work!UPDATED: Sam's POV
1. Default Chapter

A/N: Will probably do Sam's POV...at some point...eventually...

**Lost **

Jack put the bottle on the counter, empty. Beside it, lay the heavy shadow of a Beretta 92 service pistol. It was following him, it seemed. Every beer he had, he picked it up at least once. He knew he shouldn't. The fate of earth rested in his head...but he didn't want it to go out like that. He always imagined something more...heroic. Even taking a staff blast from a jaffa seemed glorious in comparison to slowly going mad and losing everything he was. He sighed, and was reaching for the fridge handle when the doorbell rang. _Who the hell..._

Carter was waiting on the other side, fidgeting and staring at her shoes. She smiled nervously at him.

"Hi, sir."

He was baffled.He didn't even think she knew where he lived...but, there she was.

"Carter?"

"Did I wake you?"

She hadn't, but it sure felt like she had. Moments ago, he had been holding a gun in his hand, considering the unthinkable. He suddenly wanted to live very badly.

"Sorta," he managed to mumble. She shifted from foot to foot.

"I couldn't sleep at all last night,"she managed to say, still standing outside Jack's house. _She's trying to tell me something, to talk to me_, his beer-addled brain managed to realize.

"You should have called."

_Smooth move, slick._

"I didn't wanna bother you."

_My ass. You were scared, Carter. _

"Um, I was just looking at the sky. Trying to figure out how many stars we'd actually been to."

_Ha ha ha. Good one, old man._ He motioned for her to enter, and she reluctantly did so.

"Actually, only a few of the stars visible from Earth have Stargates on them, so..."

_I just didn't want to tell you I spent one of the last days of my life sulking, drinking beer, and watching COPS and the Simpsons._

"I knew that."

"Yeah."

_She's nervous. This isn't a random visit. _

"Hammond send you by to check up on me?"

"No! It's funny really, I was out driving, you know...in my car, and I um, heh heh... I drove here. Yeah ..."

_That's a maybe. Why else would she be here?_

"Funny."

"Yeah.There's coffee around here."

Jack excused himself from the awkward situation. The proximity to her was setting off all sorts of internal sirens. Sirens he hadn't heard in a long time. He stepped in the kitchen, trying to work things out in his information-packed, semidrunk head. He spotted the pistol, and his eyes bulged. He had to hide it.

"Maybe not. How about a beer?"

He opened the fridge, jammed the Berreta into the icebox, and grabbed a pair of beers.

"Sure, why not."

_Okay. Keep it calm, keep it smooth. Nothing has to happen._ He walked down the steps, beer extended before him.

"Want a glass? I can wash one."

"No, I'm fine. Thank you sir. So, do you ever talk to her?"

_Are you trying to hurt me? Hurt yourself? That could've -SHOULD HAVE- been you. We've had every opportunity and we've missed it. Now, there's no time. No heroic rescue by the Asgard. No time for us to get married, have a kid of our own. Why the hell do I even keep that picture up?_

"Can we not talk about that?"

"Sorry. How are you feeling?"

_She's forcing it. She wants to imagine I'm okay. I'm not. _

"Can we not talk about that either?"

"Okay.What do you want to talk about?"

_She wants me to be happy. Why? _He just stared at her a moment, wondering. She wasn't checking up on him, but she had a reason to be there. It was more than her being a friend to him.

"You wanna be alone. This was a bad I ... I ... should go."

_No, you shouldn't. I want to be alone...with you...but now it's too late. _

"Finish your beer. And then you have to wait at least an hour before you drive."

_Keep a dying old man company, Carter. _

"Sir?"

She sat down close to him, close enough that he could smell her perfume. She never wore perfume. The smell was...beautiful. Hell, she could smell like bear shit and he would have held her close.

"What?"

_She wants to say something...that's it. _

"I..."

_Oh my God, this is it. She's going to say it. I don't think I could take it. Not now, not so close to the end. It isn't fair._

"I...should have done it.

"What? Stuck your head in that thing? Are you nuts? Carter. You're one of this countries natural resources. If not National treasures. It couldn't have gone down any other way. I just hope it's worth it."

_Another dream smashed to pieces. Maybe it's for the better, I mean...where would it have led? I'll be hopelessly insane in a day or two. She should move on, be happy. My death will mean something if it can keep her safe and happy. _

"Even if we do find the Lost City. Even if we get there and find exactly what we're looking for to defend the planet..."

_Please, don't make me out to be more than I am. Losing you will be the hardest part of dying. _

"THAT ... would be worth it."

Sam looked down and bit her lower lip. He knew, without her saying, what she felt. Not to her. Not to her, it wouldn't be worth it. He knew there was nothing more he'd like to do that kiss those lips, put his head down in her lap and whittle away the minutes before he lost his sanity. He knew it, she knew it. But that would make things harder on her. They sat there perhaps half a minute, contemplating one another before Daniel knocked 'shave and a haircut'.

_Great. Now my wake can begin. _


	2. Sam's POV

Jack's house.

Sam had dreaded this moment, but it could no longer be ignored. This was her last ditch effort to tell the man she loved how she felt. She had been standing outside for almost ten minutes, trying to muster the courage to knock. Taking a deep breath, she forced her hand to the wood. He opened the door warily. His face was impassive, but his eyes betrayed his shock.

"Hi Sir."

"Carter?"

She was obviously unexpected. Hell, she didn't ever expect HERSELF to be at this point. It was more of a fantasy, to tell him how she felt. He looked a little woozy. It took another big push, but she managed to open her mouth and let words fall out.

"Did I wake you?"

"Sorta."

He was being indifferent. The words continued to spew out of her mouth, beyond her control. They were shadows of what she really meant.

"I couldn't sleep at all last night."

_I was too busy thinking about you._

"You should have called."

The invitation shocked her. It was out of character, well beyond the social no-man's-land they had established.

"I didn't wanna bother you."

_I was scared shitless. I was trying to cope with the fact that I was going to lose the love of my life._

"Um, I was just looking at the sky. Trying to figure out how many stars we'd actually been to."

He motioned for her to enter. She hesitantly stepped through. It felt odd to be in his house. Frankly, she didn't know what to expect. A dog, maybe?

"Actually, only a few of the stars visible from Earth have Stargates on them, so..."

_Way to ruin his childish wonder, you bitch._

"I knew that."

"Yeah."

_Tell him. Talk to him. It's your last chance. The Asgard aren't coming. _

"Hammond send you by to check up on me?"

Her preplanned excuse flew out the window at that exact moment. It had been good, too.

"No! It's funny really, I was out driving, you know...in my car, and I um, I drove here.Yeah..."

"Funny."

"Yeah."

_He isn't buying it. I guess I expected that, but..._

"There's coffee around here."

He wandered off, a little confused, to the kitchen. Sam looked around, descended a step into his living room. Jack was off, bustling around in the kitchen. He really isn't used to company, she thought as she picked up one of Jack's family pictures. It was him, Charlie and his ex-wife. She looked carefully over it, suddenly regretful.

"Maybe not. How about a beer?" he called from the kitchen. She snapped out of her reverie.

"Sure, why not."

_That could have been us. You and me, Jack. You and me and a child. I wish I hadn't been so stupid.._.

"Want a glass? I can wash one."

Jack fooled around some more, and she heard the fridge door slam shut. Sam was still staring at that picture. Jack looked so happy. She had never seen him smile like that, ever.

"No, I'm fine, thank you sir," she said, taking the beer from his hand. Her gaze drifted back to the picture. Without realizing it, she continued talking.

"So do you ever talk to her?"

_What the hell am I doing? Scoping out the competition?_ She regretted those words the instant she heard them.

"Can we not talk about that?"

"Sorry.How are you feeling?"

_That's right, Sam. Duck and weave like you always do. Coward. You've stared death in the face more than once with that man by your side, and that's all you can come up with? _

"Can we not talk about that either?" he mumbled, dodging his way past her to plop himself down on the sofa. Sam was starting to notice an awful lot of bottlecaps on the floor. Jack was obviously not in the best of moods, and probably not exactly sober.

"Okay, what do you want to talk about?"

His expression wasn't quite a glare.

"You wanna be alone. This was a bad ide ... I ... should go."

_Ha, realizing this now, Sam? You're stuck now. _Her internal voice was getting downright rude, and her doubts started to surface again. Jack continued to stare at her, almost judging her.

"Finish your beer. And then you have to wait at least an hour before you drive."

_He **wants** me here!_

"Sir?"

It sounded so formal as she moved closer to him, sitting down to his left. The odd proximity between the both of them was setting off age old instincts. She wanted to hold him close, comfort him. This obviously wasn't easy for Jack, and she wanted to be there for him as more than his second in command. All of it spurred her on, forced her forwards.

"What?"

_Say it._

"I..."

She faltered, tripped over the words. The wrong ones spilled from her lips.

"...should have done it."

"What? Stuck your head in that thing? Are you nuts? Carter. You're one of this countries natural resources, if not national treasures. It couldn't have gone down any other way. I just hope it's worth it."

Her heart soared as she listened to him. It meant so much to her to hear that he valued her. The only problem was the catch at the end of the sentence. It was the sort of backhanded praise she hated. _Why can't he see how much he means to me? How much things like that hurt me?_

"Even if we do find the Lost City. Even if we get there and find exactly what we're looking for to defend the planet..."

He broke eye contact, cut her off as he stared at his beer.

"THAT ... would be worth it."

She bit her lower lip, fought back the tears. _No, it wouldn't. I'd lose you._ _I'd lose the man I love with all my heart. _ Jack stared at her a moment. He knew, she knew. She had failed, lost her way. They had been so close, and now there was no time left.

She heard Daniel knock 'shave and a haircut', and knew she had missed her chance. Sam just lay back, stared at the Colonel, and took a sip of her beer. She had missed her last chance.


End file.
